Alright, so I'm not okay--but seriously, what are we going to do about it now?

THIS SUCKS!  I would like to start and end this post there, but I guess I can't.  I seem to hit sort of an emotional wall as of late--and pushing through it is my only option.  It sucks b/c pushing through it is also the hardest option.  I've tried to pinpoint something that is causing it, but truly, I just can't.  Is it b/c Jason wasn't here for our anniversary and my birthday?  Is it b/c his package seems to have been lost in transit?  Is it b/c it was overcast for the first part of my day of leisure? Is it PMS?  Is it b/c I'm failing my 3 year old?  Is it b/c I haven't been able to get the "special" package that Jason requested put together?  Is it b/c I don't know what?  I DON'T KNOW--if I did, I would fix it!  

I woke up this morning feeling rather refreshed and I thought--"ahh, I can breathe again!  I'm on the road to feeling better"  Then Camden got up and wouldn't say "please" for his apricot jelly, and then he cried, and made me late to the gym.  .  .and then this guy came in and gave his girlfriend flowers in the middle of my step class (apparently he had done something wrong b/c she didn't even crack a smile) and the waterworks just started all over--in the middle of step.  .  .Those of you who know me, know that this is out of character for me.  I'm definitely a crier, but I tend to be more of a closet crier.  I will walk away from you, or even hang up the phone on you before I will cry in front of you.  So this has been just really hard to deal with.  I've given up hiding it from everyone, even the kids.  Camden brought me his frog today and told me it would be okay.  .  .

I found that I started this process trying to stay positive, knowing I could get through.  I even surprised myself from time to time.  .  .now that we are half way through, I feel like just curling up in a ball and closing the door until he comes home.  I KNOW this isn't an option, so don't go calling social services on me.  I love my kids and I will always do whatever it takes to make sure they are happy, loved, and taken care of.  That being said, this whole thing has been a rather humbling experience.  .  .I no longer think to myself when I see a kid pitching a fit "not my kid", b/c guess what--yes it will/has been/and probably will be again MY KID!  People who don't have kids, and people who have perfect kids who do exactly what you say, eat whatever you put in front of them, and ALWAYS say please and thank you--PLEASE KNOW WE ALL ARE TRYING TO GET OUR KIDS TO DO THE SAME THING, IT'S JUST NOT AS EASY FOR EVERYONE.  I have 2 very well behaved kids, I really do--but Camden is in his testing phase and I'm totally FAILING!  I'm not sure where I went wrong exactly b/c he used to say please and thank you, he used to eat better, he used to do what I said--this is no longer.  Getting him to say please and thank you, clean up his room, or eat his dinner is next to near impossible for me lately.  You can't know how frustrating it is when you really are trying to instill manners, and 3 year old responsibility (i.e., if you get it out, you put it up) and you just aren't getting through.  YES--I know, rewarding good behavior is a good method, staying consistent also another one, time out, taking away privileges, going straight to bed, taking away all of the toys he doesn't pick up (he'll bring them to you, or close his playroom door to save you the effort).  .  .trust me, I've tried just about all of it.  Every time I think I'm getting through he proves me wrong.  I can see why people give up, I see how people can call in SuperNanny (who I love by the way)--it's hard to be a mommy, and it's really hard to be one on your own.  I don't know how women do it by themselves all the time.  As I type this my sweet Camden has brought down his Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with the characters so he can sit next to me and play (he's also promised to take them all back up--haha, we'll see).  He has seen me crying and suggested I turn on the music that "Old McDonald" gave him so we can feel better!  SEE--HE'S A GOOD KID, we are just having a moment in time that I don't really want to hold onto.  I'm not really sure why I felt it necessary to share all of this info with my 2 followers--but for some reason it just makes you feel better to lay it all out.  

See, now I feel guilty b/c I've made it sound like my whole problem is Camden-and that's just not true.  That sure is a lot for a little one to carry around on his shoulders, so buddy if you ever read this one day "I love you more than you will ever know, and this just happened to be the thing I needed to vent about today, if I was venting tomorrow it would be something completely different."  I just can't win these days, and I think it's because I'm battling myself.  .  .this just brings me back to THIS SUCKS!

(ha, I guess I did start and end it there)